Point / Counterpoint

AUSTRALIA

Why I have to go to Australia:
The whole "If I go to Australia..." thing is really starting to piss me off and I always start to feel sick whenever I say it now. The fact is, I've been planning my life for the past few months, deadset on going there for school. Now what would happen if I didn't get in? As far as I can see, my life would be a fucking mess: I'd have no place to live, it would be too late for me to get into another school, and for the most part, I'd have to spend the next year working again, probably in Fort Collins, and the fact of the matter is that the city has absolutely nothing to offer me anymore. I've been so set on leaving this place that I can't imagine spending another year of my life idling through the town. If there's a time for me to do something with my life, this is it.

Why I can't go to Australia:
I've never made a decision in my life. As everyone knows me, I can't follow through with anything and it worries me the most that I'll get down there and say "Shit. I don't want to be back at school... I've tried this and I decided that I didn't need school anymore to get through my life." But mostly, as much as the thought of the change intrigues me, it's the kind of change that I'll never really be able to look back from. As much as I hate Fort Collins now, it's always been my home, but once I get in and out of school, there's really going to be nothing there for me anymore. If I go through with getting a music production degree, then I can't come back to this town. There'd be no job for me here. And as much as I want to leave and see the world, I feel like I'm not going to be able to sit down and stop to evaluate my life in the next 5 years, and see if it's what I really wanted to be doing.

Bottom Line:
Even though I never thought I needed to go to college, I've always NEEDED to go to college. Maybe it'll open up new avenues to my life, and without it I know I'm looking at an uphill battle as far as jobs go for the rest of my life. So while I could easily just keep working as I am now, I know it'll never fly, and never make me happy.
Also, just having this choice of getting back to school and out of the country has given me the "No Regrets" attitude on life right now. I don't want to be looking back once I leave (no... IF I leave... fuck) and saying to myself "Damn, I really wish I had done that" or "I really wish I had told that person how I really felt." It gives me a lot of freedom of thought and gives me a fresh look at everything. That I'm thankful for.

LOVE

Why I can never love again:
It sounds like what a neutered dog would say, but I still got my huevos. The thing is, maybe I don't know how to use them anymore. I know I don't say it enough, so here it is again. Lori really fucked me over when she left. I'm not saying I still love her. I'm past her, but for the most part, it still feels like I have a girlfriend. Not really... but basically all I'm trying to say is: It's been so long that now I've forgotten how to start a relationship at square 1. I've forgotten the whole, you know, talking part that usually comes when you meet someone.

Why I will love every person I meet (and therefore, never really LOVE again):
I got two girls phone numbers at the concert I went to a couple weeks ago. I keep sounding like I'm bragging, but it's started to mess me up more than help because now I kinda think it's just that easy. I went to a restaurant tonight and talked to the girl for maybe 5 minutes and thought "Man, I totally could've gotten her number." It's really quite an accomplishment when you don't know your ass from your elbows on what to do with the damn thing. But the point is that every girl I meet now, who shows any kind of interest in me somehow grabs a hold of me, but in doing so, each one eventually becomes less special. It's turning me into the kind of guy I always hated, who'd go through girls like nothing just because it was another place to stick their dick. But don't worry... remember, I don't really know how to talk to girls in the first place anymore.

Bottom Line:
Yeah, I'm a bit of a romantic. We're a dying breed, especially in today's world, but that's why it bothers me that no one puts in the effort anymore. But maybe the effort is exactly the problem. After a two year relationship falls apart, you wonder if you want to go through it all again, when it could all go just as wrong. Of course you do. But here's a little known, but highly speculated fact/quandry about me: I'm still a virgin. Well, maybe I am, it's up for debate. I really don't mind much because it's taught me that everything else is what really matters. Without putting in the effort, even great sex doesn't matter to me. Yeah, I know... "Fag!"