13/11/06 - Sand in your bum

What constitutes a beach party? I'd like to say that all beach parties are like the one in The Big Lebowski with big-breasted, topless women getting launched into the air via bed sheets, but alas, not all of us can live the life of The Dude. However, there's always a number of things that you can expect at any party on the beach.

1. Fire - If you don't get a good fire going, you don't have a party. A good fire is absolutely essential to every other activity that takes place that night, as you'll see.

2. Alcohol - I don't want to sound like a total lush, but everyone enjoys a drink every once in a while. Alcohol gets the social juices flowing and slowly starts to erode your brain matter, making you more open to doing stupid things, and inevitably makes you more attractive to the opposite sex (did I get that right?). Plus, everyone knows that it contains essential vitamins and minerals that moms love.

3. A makeshift hippie band - This is composed of an acoustic guitar, a bongo, and a scraggly-faced man with a raspy singing voice. You might not always know the songs that they're playing, but neither do they. Even though they just sit there and "jam", it sets the mood for the night. Also, they are true freaks of nature, where as, long after most of the people at the party have either passed out or gone home, this mighty trio will still be sitting there, playing their slightly off-beat tunes for many hours, or even days afterwards.

4. Fire twirlers - Fire twirlers are kinda like bobsledders. No one knows how or why anyone would start doing such a thing, yet pretty much anyone could be a twirler. You could be sitting there, reading this to a fire twirler as we speak, but you might not even know about it until you go to a party on the beach. When this happens, they'll shed their outer layer of skin, which makes them less-flammable, and they'll start drinking large amounts of lighter fluid and spitting fire out of their mouths. You wouldn't know what hit you. However, they are generally mildly entertaining and opens up the conversation to threats of stabbing a flaming stick through someones sternum. It's a very natural progression.

5. The drunk kid who tries to jump over the fire - This kid gradually shows himself to be "the one" as the night goes on, and when it comes down to it, the build-up is usually a lot larger than the payoff. Odds are calculated using, fire height, height of said individual, amount of alcohol consumed... and in the end, the kid just goes and jumps over the fire like you'd expect. Not much to it, but there's always gotta be one.

6. The skinny dipper - This one is a bit of a wild card, but especially in a hippie town like Byron you'll find a large number of people that don't mind baring it all and going for a swim. That's cool, I'd even partake on certain nights, but then you get the ones that are natural nudists, and come back and "dry off" by the fire, squatting down spread eagle right behind the girl that I was talking to. Gross.

Keeping in mind a few other wild cards that could pop up on any given night, these things are basically the genetic make-up of a beach party. Do not go to beach parties if you are faint of heart, or are pregnant. Side effects may include sand in your crack, head aches, and 3rd degree burns.