Shake your moneymaker

I was over at Para Setty's place tonight and a commercial came on for girls gone wild. I knew right away that i hadn't seen this one, but i tried to act uninterested. But at the end they have all the additional offers, like "you'll get this free of charge with the order". I wondered what it would be like if they packaged "guys gone wild" with every purchase of girls gone wild. I don't know if it is such a thing, but that would make for some funny shit. Sales would probably go way down, but then there's gonna be the guys that say "i'll just throw that away when it gets here" or even "about fucking time they listened to me!".

Then there's gonna be the poor bastard that forgets to throw it away and has his friends remind him about it when they're over for a party. Man, how embarassing! I think it'd be funny.

Northerncoloradohelpwanteddotcom!?!?

My job search continued today, but i can't say i'm any closer to getting a job. I first went to jax, where they were pretty stringent about everything. They very specifically wanted me to state which position i was applying for, so i wrote "camping/ rock climbing supplies". Fuck if i know if that's a real position. I just want them to pay me and let me do whatever they need to get done.

Then i checked out al's newsstand, and the dude there was nice and helpful, but he said that i'd be really lucky if i got a job there. He said he'd been working there for a couple months, and the next "youngest" person at the place had been working there for 6 years. I guess it's a hot spot, though, where everyone wants to work there, but no one wants to leave.

Then i went to the wright life, and some real fucking burnout said that they didn't have applications, but i could drop off a resume. I happened to have one, so i gave it to him, and he brushed it aside and continued to talk to his friends that came to visit him.

See, i really do try to get jobs, but i can't account for other fucking people. Maybe in these cases it would be best to call back, but everytime i've tried that people just say "yeah, we're working on it..." or "i'll remember that you called", both of which are total bullshit answers. So i'll keep at it i guess, cause i gotta pay the bills and such, but, well... i don't know.

Ball and chain

I think i'm in it for the long haul now. I think i've now been to enough of the frisbee parties with sara, and met enough of the people that i just have to play next year. I don't know if there's any rules that go along with that, but the frisbee people are a very persuasive people that you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of. Nah, they're all nice. And they get naked a lot.... i've now seen that happen at two different parties. Weird.

The Bride of Mothra

I was outside working today and i saw a flying insect that troubled me. I'm still not sure what it is, but maybe you could help. The above picture shows a composite sketch from many eye-witness accounts. My dad said it was either a hummingbird or a baby swallow, but i think he's full of shit. Also, he didn't actually see it, but if you have any clue what this huge freak is, please tell me.

Got the KOL shoeshine!

So last night was the infamous second Kings of Leon concert. We started out the night at the hookah bar, and i won't say what all went down (i wouldn't want to embarass sara), but it was a great start to the night. I walked out of the and almost tripped a couple times just cause my legs felt so light. Then we headed over to the paramount, and i'm kinda surprised we found it cause i was going off of directions that i had read a week in advance, and it's right off of colfax, but we made it there without getting prostituted all over the place, and got inside.

We missed the first band, which i assume was ok, and got to hear the secret machines, who i hadn't heard before, but i was pretty impressed with them. They had a really distinct sound, and got a good beat going, getting me pumped for the kings. Also, their lights show was out of this world, mostly because it looked like some alien ship trying to give us seizures with their strobe lights, but it was still pretty fun to look at.

Then the Kings came on and rocked the house. They actually played a pretty short set, but it was really high energy so we left without feeling cheated. They sounded awesome and got pretty much everyone out of their seats and dancing. Excellent. There's not much more to say about them, except they kicked ass, southern rock style.

Johnson's corner capped off the night. Their renovations made me real skeptical, but i'll just wait and see how it all turns out. The food was excellent as ever, though. And now that i'm typing this, i realized that i forgot i got a cinnamon roll there. Gotta go...

Roll with the punches

So, you've probably noticed that i got a change of skin... inspired by the huge change in weather we've had here. I hope you like it.

Yesterday, some folks came over to my house and we played games and talked and played basketball, and at the end of the night, we began to talk about sex positions. I thought of one after everyone left that i was quite fond of. I don't have the periodic sex chart to check this one against, so i don't know if it's already been taken, so don't try to correct me. But i like to call it: The Locomotive.

The Locomotive

Mood: Playful, Kinky

How to do it: The male sits up at a 90 degree angle with his feet straight out in front of him. The female lays down over his legs or "the tracks" and straddles the guys waist. She backs up until she hits "the guardrail" and well.. they do it. For added effect, the guy can grab the girls waist and move his arms in a circular motion to help the girl.... much like how the wheels on a train move. Note: This move is often criticized for the lack of foreplay, but people with extremely talented feet can often overcome these accusations during the act.

Pros: Fun, versatile, can lead to role playing (you might get to wear a conductors hat), get to make choo-choo noises.

Cons: All the angles might not work out right, and it could derail.

I like this because it leads to all the dirty talk like "Put your log in my fire to keep me going, baby" and "Let's take this thing all the way to Mexico" or whatever you kids say these days.

If someone wants to try it out, tell me how it goes. Be creative, and most of all: HAVE FUN!

A mile

You know how they say you should walk a mile in another person's shoes or whatever? How would it feel to walk as Lance Armstrong, right after the tour de france. Would he take really tall, swooping, awkward steps like he was still pedaling his bike? I'd imagine he'd have to.

Unclean

I hear it said a lot of times that it's weird for people to marry people who are more than a few years younger than them. I've never thought that to be true, especially since my parents are many years apart, but a strange thought occured to me today. It mostly occured to me when i was hanging out with Mitch's young step sister and her friends. One of them kept giving me the kind of sex-eye, and even though i'm sure she didn't really catch on to what she was doing, i realized that it seems that girls much younger than my self seem to have a more natural attraction to me. Of course my attitude towards them is more playful, but you'd still be amazed how many little kids (girls, mostly) have declared their love for me. It's weird and sad.

In conclusion, i am not a pedophile, and i have not arranged any marraiges to young girls, but in the future... you know what i'm getting at. I don't want to sound perverted.

Twister

The problem: I came across an ad in the newspaper about a job that paid $2000 a month, so i checked it out and it turns out that they want me to sell vacuum cleaners door-to-door, basically. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, and i can't see myself really doing that at all so i should by all means walk out the door. But then. Yes, it does pay $2000 a month. Minimum. You can make more on commission, and they give you all sorts of cool shit, like bonuses, dvd players, vacuum cleaners and trips to various locations. And you get promoted after 6 months so you make about $4000 a month. I really don't want to do it, but the money and such is so damn tempting. We'll see.

All aboard

Mitch and I were at the black hills today, doing our normal routine of shooting off fireworks and shooting random shit with my .22. We also saw that the train was around so we went and tried climbing on top of it to no avail, but then saw that one of the doors was sitting there wide open. I half-expected there to be a freakin dark wizard (harry potter got to my brain) or a freakin man eating lion from the circus or some shit to be in there, but it was totally empty, and free for us to run around in. We used this to get on top of the train, but we also found out how to open the other doors, so we realized that we would be quite free to have a party in one of the cars one night if we so wished... assuming people wouldn't be checking the trains late at night. It's kind of an impractical location, and would probably have no place to plug in a stereo or anything, but it would be fun, none the less, to say that we had partied on a train. We'll see if we can set that up.

HP in da house!

Alright, let me make an aside and talk about Harry Potter for a bit here. I just finished reading the book, and i loved it, so i hopped online to see what other reviews said, and most of them said that they were disappointed in the book as it followed too many cliches or the dialogue was bad or too predictable... Fuck... it's a kid's book first of all, and the demographic is still the same, whether or not the series got darker, or more adults are reading it because of the great sales.

But also, i think the series has finally changed, into what i think (and is probably why other people called it cliched and predictable) is more of a comic book series. I won't complain since i love comic books, but the journey that harry embarks on is much the same as in the matrix or the lord of the rings, or even batman and spiderman, and has maybe become a little stale just from being overused in these times.

Shit.. i don't know where i'm going with this... Read the book, i say, if you're interested in it.

Thank you Jack White, for the fiber optic Jesus...

Man, nothing will do it better than Mike's hard can... am i right? People bash it, saying it's a girly drink, but that has enough alcohol to knock you on your ass if you got the means. Tonight i did. It didn't necessarily knock me on my ass but it made me dance... which is just as bad. Then we sang some to an untuned guitar and played chess... this was all after we played some bocce ball and had a barbecue. Yeah, it was a good night. And Mike was there.

It's Divine Inspiration

I think i finally learned what i want to do with my life. Today, i was helping my dad clear out the back yard so we can put in our fire pit, and we had to tear out the old, shitty, infested wood. It was a freakin blast. I mean, give me a hammer (or a 6 foot tamping rod) and i'll go at that shit for hours. I asked my dad if there were any demolition companies in town, and he said that most people start demolition in the military, which: a) didn't answer my question and b) made me think i had to join the military to tear shit apart or blow it up. No, my friends. I believe i will take the different route, and teach myself how to do these things. I'll start a company myself, but it'll probably be destroyed shortly after.

On top of that, i smashed a huge freaking spider with a hammer today, much to the dismay of the spider, i assume.

Camp! Camp-a-lamp!

Yesterday was another not so special day until 7:45 when i got a call saying that some people (caleb, beth and robby) were going camping at 8. I really wanted to go, so i hauled ass over to caleb's house where everyone was meeting, and as usual, everyone else was still about an hour late. It's no problem, i just hang out with caleb and his crazy bb gun-shooting brothers, but it wasn't until about 9 that we left caleb's, and we still had to go to walmart for food before we took off, so it was about 10:30 (at night this all is...) before we got out of town.

We were going to head up to ... vedawoo (or however the hell you spell it) in wyoming, but when that was full, we had to head up to happy jack... which as you all know is right next to the lincoln memorial in wyoming. So we got to the camp site around midnight, started a fire, roasted hot dogs... set up the tent... it was all good.

We had bought some beans, and i had heard that you can cook them directly in the can, so i poked some holes in it for ventilation, and put it on the little grill above the fire. They were doing fine, but when i realized the pocket knife we had didn't really have a way to open the can, we had to re-think. We had a frying pan so we were gonna empty it into there, but the pocket knife wouldn't cut a cross section in the can, and the little can opener on the knife didn't work. Crap. We eventually got around to trying to use our ax to open the can, and it resulted in beany saucy goodness flying everywhere, and it just dented the can in more so we couldn't open it. We ditched that and just had our hot dogs and other stuff, and that was good enough as it was.

When the fire died down, we hopped in the tent and sang songs until about 4, and we all drifted off to sleep.

This morning was slow and tired, but i made a peanut butter, jelly, marshmallow and chocolate burrito (two in fact) which were about the damn yummiest things i've had in a while, so that started the day off right. We packed up and headed home shortly thereafter, and it brought a close to a fairly successful little trip.

Elements

Man, for as boring as tonight started out as, it ended off stupendously. Well, actually, it started with big city, so that was pretty sweet, but then we looked for something to do. All was lost until caleb mentions that the big lebowski is playing at midnight at the local cinema. On a normal day, i wouldn't pay to see the movie when i have it at my house. This was a normal day, but we know enough people that work at cinemark that we all got in free.

Man, this place was crazy. Everyone there was either drunk, high, or slightly stoopid from being tired. I was the last one, but the movie was still awesome. People were jovial to say the least. Right when we walked in, we say "there's some seats" and the guy in front of us says "yeah, here's some seats... here's some popcorn. You want some popcorn? I got whiskey too... you want some whiskey?" We respectfully declined, and sat down. The guy was pretty loud for the first 20 minutes, but then he kinda passed out and other than a few bubbling/gurgling/puking sounds, we didn't hear much from him again. Throughout the movie there was people stumbling out, and i kept catching strong whiffs of weed. As you can imagine, the atmosphere was incindiary, which was perfect for watching one of the funniest movies of the past 100 years.

The Sounds of Silence

I thought I would take a minuet to give you the 411 on what's up (mostly in my musical opinion).

First, in case you've been out and about doing important stuff, you might've missed that the flaming lips released a song that'll be on their next album and the wedding crashers soundtrack. Hit up their website at www.flaminglips.com and go to news and the "mr. ambulance driver audio" if you want to check it out. It has a kick ass driving beat to it, so if you like things like that, then you might also like this, i guess.

Second, I also don't know if you've gotten a hold of the new gorillaz cd, or their old one for that matter, but i would recommend it to anyone. You've probably heard their single "feel good inc." on the radio or elsewhere around town, and that's cause it rocks out hard, and that's just one song off a great album. Pick up the cd if you know what's good for you.

Thirdly, the foo fighters new cd also came out kinda recently. It's two cds, and they're both good. The hard rock one is probably the superior one, but their acoustic stuff is always amazing, so if you're a fan of that, then it will just be some of the same bliss you've been atuned to for years.

This is the shit i've been listening to, and i just wanted to fill you in on the stuff that's been coming out this summer, in case you missed it. In the days of american idol and the return of those damn backstreet boys, you can't be to careful, so check out what's new and keep your ears open.

So, you've just been kancho'd...

Warning: This post will be the bitchiest and whiniest you are likely to see on my site.
(Suggested listening music: "Angels of the Silences" by the Counting Crows)

Getting kicked in the nuts hurts. I talked to Lori today, for the first time in a month and a half. I left her a message, making it sound like i had something urgent to talk about, thinking that she would call back then, and it worked. So she calls and the only reason she wants to talk to me is because i sounded serious. I hate talking to people just cause i haven't heard from them in a while, so why the fuck should she think otherwise? So she says she's in South Carolina with her boyfriend.

I think I mentioned her boyfriend before, which i'm fine with. So i just ask her why she:
a) wasn't there when i went to visit her in l.a.
b) hadn't answered her phone for the past month and a half
c) used a lot more cuss words than she used to

When I ask her about l.a., she says "Well, i ran late at work, and then i didn't think it was worth it."

Fuck that! I spent 12 fucking hours driving down there, waiting for her ass to do whatever it needed to do, and then driving back when i got bored. I'm sorry it was such an inconvenience for you to drive to see me while I was 4 miles away! It's not like I drove halfway across the country and skipped on disneyland just to see you! Fuck it. It makes me feel like taking my phone over to her house and punching her in the face with it.

Hell of a way to end a relationship. From what else was said in the conversation, that's all i can assume it is. I don't care about the romantic relationship that was lost, but when you end a friendship like that, that's fucking low, and that's like getting kicked in the nuts.

4

How bout dem fireworks, huh? City Park had a decent showing this year, and it was fun to see some old faces. The real fun happened after that, though, when we went to edora to hang out and watch kids shoot off fireworks. Everything was well until they decided to wage war upon us, even though we had nothing to fire back. They started with bottle rockets, and there was a few close shots. One went right in between Robby and I and we both had to move to get out of the way of the flaming inferno. We just laughed at the kids, so they started shooting actual fireworks like you might see at city park. They shot past us and exploded not far from our cars, freaking us out a bit, over the possibilities of what could've happened. Then they shot roman candles at us, and they were exploding right by our heads, so we had to duck down and roll down the small hill to avoid getting hit. It was pretty intense, but it was a lot of fun.

The rest of the night was spent talking and dealing drugs. The End.